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9th February 2003 Fancy, almost a whole year gone by and nobody has written to me! In case you need reminding, to write to me about anything - any problems, any admiration you would like to offer (me) - anything at all [ Click here ]. Confide all! I shall be thrilled and will answer you pronto. 24th February 2002 In view of the continuing dearth of letters to me in my capacity as Uncle Sealy, I am publishing further mail from my friend Mr. Edward Bear, which I think might amuse any potential readers I might have. You will note his punctuation started off very well but went off as the letter progressed. The letters are printed in reverse date order, so scroll down and read upwards! 21st February (later in the day) My dear fellow, 21st February 2002 Dear Sir Sealy 15th February 2002 Dear Mr. Edward Bear, (Note: I would not normally publish a letter intended by my eyes only, but I have been so bereft of mail I am sharing my great pleasure at receiving this letter with you, dear faithful reader. I make no comment on Mr. Bear's lack of interest in punctuation....) dear
Sir Sealy
Dear Sealy, I am worried about the apple trees in my new home. I can see they're very old, and they have a lot of branches sticking up at right-angles. I've read in my book that if they look like that they have probably been overpruned. Unfortunately it doesn't tell me what to do about that. Can you help? Wannabe a Good Gardener Dear Wannabe a GG, If you go down to the link about serious gardeners on our home page, you will find ways of asking better men than yours truly how to sort out your apple trees. I have to say it is beyond my ability, as generally apple trees are way above me. However, I think you will get your answer there. In fact, dear visitors, any gardening questions can be sorted out there much more easily than by writing to me. It's not really my forte..... May your apple trees produce lots of apples next year.
Dear Sealy, I live in London whilst my parents live overseas, so we lead very separate lives as parents and daughter at the best of times. How can I do my best to support my parents who are undoubtedly the two people I love the most in this world, following their very recent announcement that they have decided to part ways after 37 years of marriage? I know this type of thing happens every single day, but nothing prepares oneself for the unmistakable heartache and feeling of helplessness. For instance, as the only child, it is my duty to launch a salvage/rescue type operation or just accept and respect their joint decision? How do I know if they have considered every possible way in which to deal with their feelings? Yours, London Lady Dear London Lady, While your news is very sad, it is good to read a letter from a loving and caring child. You obviously love your parents very much, which is as it should be. When you were younger and growing up, did you never feel your parents were too reluctant to let you have your own life, 'do your own thing', so to speak? It would be strange if you had not experienced this feeling at some time. Certainly you would have been sure you knew just what you were doing with your life at that time -- after all, you must have reasoned, you were grown up, weren't you? I think the time has come for you to give your parents the sort of freedom that you yourself needed at that time. Heartbreaking as their decision must be to you, you must respect it. However, regardless of the reasons for their decision, they obviously love you, and you them, and that state of affairs will continue. Try to avoid being judgmental or taking sides and let them be sure you will go on loving them whatever they do. From what you say, it sounds as though the decision to separate is amicable, but your unhappiness over the matter could add to any difficulties they are experiencing. Your parents may eventually discover they have made the wrong decision, which can then be reversed. On the other hand, it may be the right move for them but only time will tell. In the meantime, give them freedom to find out, loving support to help them along their way and accept the fact that they have to live their own lives as you have to live yours. This letter comes with my best wishes.
Dear Uncle Sealy, Why is it every time my husband's finger flicks the remote and comes across a bit of cricket, he pretends it isn't happening and whisks the screen off to something - anything else - but never cricket? He knows I like it, and he protests he never wants to watch television anyway, but we do seem to get a lot of guns and things, cars, aeroplanes and Tom and Jerrys. What can I do? Cricket Fan. Dear Cricket Fan, While I cannot sympathize with your passion for the little red ball and bat, I do understand your feelings. You could, of course, opt for the imaginative approach and listen to the radio in the kitchen - Long Wave 198 MHz Whatever else you do, though, do try to keep your irritation to the minimum. It's much better for your health, the season's practically over and you can look forward to the Olympics, which are on in the middle of the night and will probably be quite visible on the television while Sir dreams on upstairs. Do I take it it's too late to convert Sir to the love of cricket? Good luck!
Dear Uncle Sealy, I'm desperate! My wife is in bed with somebody called Harry and she won't get up. I don't understand it! There's only one body in the bed so where is he? It's now eleven o'clock on Sunday morning and I haven't yet been given any breakfast. What should I do? Yours, going mad, Dave Dear Dave, I suspect the reason you can't see another body in the bed is that you should realise that Harry is very small for his age and is probably being split between ever so many beds at the moment. I suggest you call the police, because if I am right, Harry is under age. If your wife wears glasses to read, try taking them away from her. Alternatively, you could go out and get your own copy of 'Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire'. Yours sympathetically, Uncle Sealy. PS You might try getting you own breakfast. PPS I'm still waiting to get my own flippers on the single copy of the book available at home, but unfortunately I'm last in the queue.
Dear Uncle Sealy, I joined a Pen Pals Club in my magazine, but although I have written lots of letters I haven't had any answers, except from one stupid boy who wanted to know if I had found his missing tooth. I ask you, what would I know about that? I think he must have lost one of his baby teeth and wanted to put it under his pillow. How can I make people write me proper letters? Would-be-Epistolarian Dear Would-be-Epistolarian, Your choice of pen-name is a bit of a mouthful, even for a seal with a big mouth to say. I had to look it up in the dictionary to be sure of what it meant! My first advice to you would be to remember KIS - Keep It Simple. Better not to frighten people off in your introduction! Sadly there is no way you can make people write to you. They really have to want to. It helps if you enclose a stamped and addressed envelope with your letter because on the whole people are rather lazy about letter writing these days. The best thing to do is to write newsy and interesting letters, with lots of questions about what your would-be pen-pal likes to do. People often like writing about their interests, and if you describe what you like to do in an interesting way, they might begin to be want to know more about you too. Don't be too disappointed if you don't get any answers. Keep persevering, and one day your patience will be rewarded. There are people out there who'd like to write to you, and all you have to do is wait hopefully!
Dear Uncle Sealy, What with the rain and shine my garden is looking beautiful if not a wee bit Frustrated Bindweed Gardener from Tunbridge Wells Dear Frustrated from Tunbridge Wells, I am sorry to hear about your problem, mostly for my sake. Bindweed does not turn me on, but I can tell you that paint-on gel of glyphosate should produce the desired effect without damaging nearby plants. Paint it on the leaves of the bindweed when it will act as a feed blocker as it is absorbed into the roots. The plant will wither and die. Ask at the Garden Centre for a product containing this, as there are several. One application may not be enough however, and if necessary another should be applied after a month. Don't worry - there is no need to let bindweed drive you out of house and home and I send you my best wishes for your murdering activities in the garden.
How do slugs get into greenhouses? Well-behaved slugs knock at the door and wait to be let in. Alas, well-behaved slugs are a dying breed if not actually extinct. The way most of them get in is by being very small when they're born, and hiding themselves in plants. They particularly like the ones purchased at garden centres, so the advice I give you is to use the powder slug murder product, and sprinkle it on any new plants you buy to put into the greenhouse. It is no good assuming that glass walls keep them out! Happy gardening!
How do I thank my friends for giving me a
lovely lunch where I Dear Moi, It is always embarrassing when this happens, but remember that good hosts are usually just as uncomfortable as you are. These things do happen, and people who don't want such a problem should not serve red wine! I'm sure you offered to cover laundry costs and so on, but all that is now behind you. I think this requires rather more than just a thank you letter, and suggest you deliver some flowers or a box of chocolates in person when you should give one more short apology, with a smile and without cringing. After that, if the friendship is to continue to flourish, just go forward and stop feeling guilty!
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